Larsen Family Love

We have been so excited for our chance to get another child (a baby girl) through the adoption process. We met the birth mother through Matt's brother and had picked out a wonderful name Libby Belle Larsen (for the rest of the story the baby with be Libby). Things were going really well. The birth mother had invited me to attend her doctor appointments and had asked me to be in the labor and delivery room when Libby was born. I was head over heels in love with that baby in her belly and Camden was excited because he was getting a baby sister on his birthday September 16th.
Towards the last two months of her pregnancy the birth mom had stopped growing. So she was going to the doctor twice a week get checked, have stress tests and ultra-sounds. There were concerns about whether or not they should take Libby early, the doctors didn't know if it would be better to have her in the womb or outside the womb to grow.
On August 26 at 8:25 a.m. I got a text from the birth mom stating that Libby, our baby girl, had been born. She was 4.1 oz and 17 inches long she had been born around 7 am. Because of her size they had rushed her right into the NICU. The birth mom reported to me that the doctor called her at 5 am and wanted her to rush in to deliver Libby. He had concerns about the appointment the previous day and the lack of growth from the baby. He asked her to come in for an emergency c-section.
I talked with the birth mom and asked her how she was feeling about the adoption. She said that it was hard but that she still wanted to go through with it. She then told me that she was still in recovery and would call me when she got into a regular room.
I received another text from the birth mom about an hour later. She stated that Libby was really small but was very healthy. The nurses had brought Libby into the birth moms room and she wanted Matt and I to come over. At that point I told the birth mom that we would love to come over but that she need to be 100% positive about placing the baby with us. I told her that if she was going to change her mind it would be better if we didn't come. She assured me that everything was going to go as planned.
Matt and I went over to the hospital and met her. She was so little and so sweet. I held her and rocked her and looked at her cute legs and fingers. We took a lot of pictures (which she was not happy about). It was so wonderful to see this beautiful baby that was going to be ours. Matt and I stayed for about an hour and I enjoyed every minute of it.

The birth mom was exhausted but kept saying things like "when you take her home", "she can leave with you on Saturday if all goes well" lots of positive and encouraging things. She reiterated that she knew placing Libby was going to be hard but that she was going to do it. We left the birth mom knowing that she was tired and could use some rest. She told us that she would call as soon as she woke up.

The waiting game was aweful but at 3:50 p.m. the birth mom text me and said she couldn't do it, that she loved me and that she knew I would be a good mom and that the baby would be taken care of but that it was just too hard.

I was inconsolable. I was hysterical. I couldn't breath. I was doing the ugly cry at work. Oh my poor co-workers. I made them call my mom and my husband. It was awful. I just couldn't stop crying. Oh how bad it hurt. I don't think that I have ever been so wounded. All that we had gone through. Everything had just felt so right and here we were, ready and prepared for this little girl to go home with us and then nothing. Ugh. What was I going to do? What was I going to tell Camden?

My wonderful mom came and got me. I would go from hysteria to numb back to hysteria over and over again. How many times can a heart break? It was misery.

As I was walking in the front door Camden came around the corner. He didn't know what was going on but could see immediatly that I was not ok. He asked what was wrong. I told him that Libby had been born but that the birth mom had changed her mind and that we weren't going to be getting a baby. He hung his head and his bottom lip started to quiver. He looked at me and kept saying, "but she's my baby sister, she promised, call her and tell her that she's my baby sister, let me call her." For a broken heart those were not easy words to hear. How is a 5 year old to cope with such huge feelings.

Unfortunatly the birth mom never changed her mind. It still hurts to think about and I have to keep telling myself that I have a wonderful family just the three of us.

We took down Libbys room and shoved all of her things in corners behind doors. I still have everything, I keep wondering if I should give it away or if we are going to be strong enough to try again. I guess time will tell.